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bekahmelby
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[Me, Myself, and We]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "bekahmelby" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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05:13 pm
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I'm Leaving Now; Goodbye
*sigh* Much as I've enjoyed LJ (*cough*) I am now posting on my new journal page. The link at the top should take you right there. :)
Adios Hasta Volviero
Current Mood:  accomplished
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10:09 pm
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Hmmmmm......
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Today is Saturday, and as usual, I'm the first one up, even though I was one of the last ones to go to sleep. So I've been down to SAGA and back, and I'm bored, and it's too quiet. Therefore, as my thoughts are my only companions, I feel I should reflect on the past week.
Monday. Ye gads, it poured buckets. I thought I'd get drowned before I could make it from Chapel to the library. That, and the rain only seemed to cap the day off. English was death, as usual. Good grief, if there's one class I hate, it's English. We didn't even have Biblical Worldview, which is my favorite class! In fact, it's about the one thing that makes Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays worthwhile. *sigh* That, and guess what was waiting for me after the lunch I ate by myself? A Spanish test over a subject I'm quite positive I don't understand. Good grief, I hope I didn't flunk. Then, they canceled our first soccer game because of the rain: apparently the fields were just too muddy to play on.
Tuesday. Election Day! And what is it with me and rain? I have no idea. Well, add coldness to the mixture. I swear, the weather is out to get me! It knows I'm a San Antonian, and it wants to send me back home. Well, I refuse to go! *raises fist to sky* Send your worst! *ducks head* Ok, ok, so not your worst. I was only kidding! Yeah, so I woke up and dragged myself to Psychology, a class I'm beginning to despise, only to find out afterwords, that there's no attendance policy at all, and I could've skipped without affecting my grade at all! So I'll just skip Thursday, right? Ha. Nope. Well, just wait. I'm determined to skip this Tuesday. Then, during History, I was attempting to get my Psychology journal done before it was due Thursday at midnight, so Jenna took notes for and I wrote furiously. Well, at least I did until I realized that I was without my psych book, and gave up the journal for a letter to Laura Margason. Cornerstones rolled around then, and I think I daydreamed through most of the class. Interesting topic we discussed, though: complete surrender in worship. Something about the way the pamphlet author worded it threw me off. After Cornerstones, Paige and I were both in weird moods (all males be hereby warned: rain, chocolate, stress, and girls don't mix well.) so we decided to head to Wal-mart and grab a few things, including a bridal magazine, and Margo tagged along. All in all, it was great fun, and I got to drive home! So then, as we were thumbing through this magazine, marking pages here and there with dresses we love that will no longer be in fashion by the time we get married and eating more chocolate, we see Courtney walking up carrying their foster baby! Yep, I got to hold her! (Ok, so add a baby to that previous mix, guys) Well, after that, it was time to head down to MSC1 and meet Josh to watch the wonderful, completely-unbiased election coverage. It was a lot of fun. Around 2 am, though, when the results were still unclear, we realized they weren't going to tell us one way or another who won, and decided to go to bed.
Wednesday. Bush won! Still no Biblical Worldview, though. Why is it the good classes are always the ones I manage to get out of? Why doesn't Batts cancel English one day?? But no. We did have English, though we were given reprieve on not having written the first draft of that nasty little essay on depression and suicide. I suppose that could be something to rejoice over. Lunch was good. Josh and I had a good time, and we got to talk to Beth for a while too. And guess what actually came up in conversation? (though the exact details escape memory at the moment) Rice Crispies treats and ranch dressing. *grin* It's been a while since I've discussed/defended that particular culinary taste of mine. It was fun. The look on Beth's face was absolutely priceless. Spanish was Ok. Señor Morales wanted to watch the President's Victory adress, so he let us out around 2:00. It was great, and Bush's speech was one of the best I've seen him give.
Thursday. Yeah. It can be easily summed up in one word: psychology. Test in the morning, paper during the rest of the day. No fun. Oh, and I am skipping class on Tuesday. I need the sleep, I'm sick of psych, and there's no attendance policy. Josh came over (he heard I had Ramen) and talked to my little sister's well-meaning stalker and eventually scared him off. *laughs* Yep. So then it was time to head on down to the G3 IM soccer game, and it was so cold! I froze to death, and I was running all over the place! But we creamed G2 11 to 0. *grins* And I even scored a goal!
Friday. Yay! No rain! English went by more quickly than usual, and great wonder of wonders, we had Biblical Worldview! *grin* It was fun. Josh, Rowe, and Bruning gave their presentation for the theological dictionary project (*glances at open Word document*) on the Scriptures. *laughs* Bruning literally looked like a miniature Dr. Hummel. Actually, they pulled off a nice stair-step pattern: Bruning being the professional one, Josh being just normal Josh, and Rowe going for the near-Drag Goth look. It was rather funny. That, and the reoccurring theme of Star Wars word parodies. ( A New Hope, Inspiration Strikes Back, and Return of the Inspiration??? Good grief, guys) It was good ol' fun, the kind I'd missed on those research days. Yeah, so after lunch, I don't remember where I went, but I cam back, and the guys were gone. So I walked down to SAGA on my own, and I passed Rowe on the way. His comment was something like "Did your boyfriend go off and leave you?" and I'm pretty sure I socked him good. *grin* Don't remember much about Spanish, 'cause I was falling asleep through the entire thing, but I think we worked more on subjunctive (*GAG*). After class, I went straight back to my dorm room and went to bed.
Bring. Bring. Bring, bring, bring! I woke up and nearly fell out of bed. What was going on? Why the heck was the elevator bell ringing? I glanced at the clock, and really almost fell. 6:12. I'd over-slept my alarm by almost an hour and a half. Wow. I don't think I've done that before. It was kinda strange. So I sat up and realized that the ringing bell was indeed the elevator, and that fact caused me to remember that it was open dorms night, and it was past 6. Guys were heading up as I thought groggily, and my room was a mess. So I slid out of bed, hoping to all powers holy that I wouldn't fall and break a bone, and cleaned up a bit. (and I closed my closet door. Aren't you proud of me, Cass?) Yeah. So by then, I'd missed dinner, and I was beginning to get somewhat hungry. Oh well. Well, after a bit more homework (hey, it's the story of my life) I went over to Conan, Scott, Geoff, and Zerg's suite to talk to Paige. Well, the flightly little thing (you know what I could call you here) ran off to another play reading, and left us watching Master and Commander. Bible study followed, and despite the fact that poor Moore had been misinformed about which passage of 1 John we were on, we managed to make good headway in understanding chapter 4. After Bible study, we all walked down to MSC1 to wait for Barbour's parents and sister (who was staying with Paige) and just hang out. We talked for a while, met the parents (oops, no pun intended) and Kate, and played a few rounds of Fluxx before we decided that an IHOP run was in order. Our reasoning behind this? Quite simple: Kate needed a taste of real college life. Well, ok, so it was a little more selfish than that. We were all hungry. *grin* It was fun! And Sonic finally got the hint and rode shotgun... *evil little grin*
Saturday. Well, folks, that brings this tale to a temporary close. *glances at other half of computer screen* Now that I've spent a great deal of my time on here, I need to go finish that Bible project. *sigh*
Adios Hasta Volviero. Which may be some time from now.
Current Mood:  content
Current Music: Fallin' Down-Avril Lavigne
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11:47 am
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Psychology Journal Dangling Over My Head
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Thursday! A day of only two classes. A day of open dorms. A day of one school day left in the week. A day for wandering. A day for History. A day for psychology.
*wince* Which is why it's a day for homework.
Yeah. I had a test this morning, and the journal for it is due at midnight. I'm almost done, truly, but at this point in time, I cannot spend any more time on it without imploding. That, and now that I think about it, the fact that it's Thursday means that tomorrow is Friday, and therefore an English day. *gag* Which unfortunately means that I have an essay to write tonight, alongside the unfinished journal.
And a soccer game! You watch tonight, the one night I'm probably gonna have trouble making it to the game, they won't cancel it. *sigh* Así es vida. Such is life.
Well, I'm off to History, hopefully to pretend I'm paying attention while I'm writing my wonderful psych paper while my wonderful, faithful Jenna takes notes for me. *hugs Jenna*
Adios Hasta Volviero. (If I survive this paper)
Current Mood:  stressed
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12:28 pm
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Alert! Alert! Texas Weather Coming Through!
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Heeeheee. *grin* For all of you non-Texans who want to know what the heck that strange wailing noise was about five minutes ago (12:20pm), I'll tell you. That, ladies and gentlemen, was a genuine tornado siren. *laughs at the look on reader's faces* Don't worry, it was just a test. You're in Texas now. Those twisty little devils do appear sometimes, and in order to make sure the sirens work, the Texas branch of the National Weather service orders mandatory test alerts the first Wednesday of every month. *grins, shakes head* Just wanted to let y'all know, so next time you wouldn't think it was the ice cream man and go running outside. *wink*
Adios Hasta Volviero. ( or next time you all freak out about routine Texas weather [*wink*])
Current Mood: amused
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12:39 am
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Our Prayer
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. "Our Prayer"
. I pray you'll be our eyes
. And watch us where we go
. And help us to be wise
. In times when we don't know
. Let this be our prayer
. As we go our way
. Lead us to a place
. Guide us with your grace
. To a place where we'll be safe
. I pray we'll find your light
. And hold it in our hearts
. When stars go out each night
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. May the light that you give us
. Stay in our hearts
. Reminding us
. That in my prayer
. You are an everlasting star
. May we have enough faith
. Lead us to a place
. Guide us with your grace
. Give us faith so we'll be safe
. -Josh Groban & Charlotte Church
Lord, you know my thoughts tonight. This all so new to me, there are times I'm not sure it's real. Help me to trust You in this when there are times I want so much to do it on my own. Help me to lean on You enough to take risks when I need to. Help me to be who I am, not who I think it's safe to be. Let me live now without constantly worrying about tomorrow. Help me to take what You've given me without worrying about how I might lose it. Father, give me faith.
Current Mood: trying to trust God
Current Music: On Fire-Switchfoot-The Beautiful Letdown
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02:49 am
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Important News Bulletin
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Notice to those who may or may not care: The problems aforementioned in the journal entry two days prio have since been thoroughly resolved. *grin*
Current Mood: ecstatic
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03:19 pm
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Los Oraciones de la Gente de Dios
Thank you guys all for praying. We really needed all that we could get, and we're going to need them still for a while. Pray that we all have the wisdom to deal with this as Christ would, and that His peace would surround us. At the moment, no one really knows what to think or do, and everyone's emotionally stressed. With all of us up here being so close, the fear and the helplessness that some of us feel is transferring onto everyone else, and I'm finding myself struggling with the desire to just curl up in a ball and sleep/shut the rest of the world out. There's no good way to deal with this.
Current Mood:  sad
Current Music: Smoke-Natalie Imbruglia
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09:48 pm
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Things I Have a Hard TIme Saying
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I've been accused of having the inability to find a balance in the symbiotic relationship between my emotions, my thoughts, and what I say. It's been said oftentimes that I speak too quickly what I am thinking, with little thought on how it might affect the situation. More precisely stated, I'm blunt.
They're right, too. I am blunt. To a fault. Plus, I'm impetuous and impatient, two characteristics who often add insult to injury in sticky situations where my mouth seems to swallow my foot.
At the moment, though, my troubles stem not from my quick-to-speak/slow-to-think problem, but from the complete polar-extreme-opposite. Yes, all you disbelieving people, it's true. There are times when I don't say what I'm thinking. Or rather, more truthfully, what I'm feeling. Especially when it comes to the emotions that deal with my relationships with people around me. Yeah. Much as I hate StrengthsFinder, it was accurate on one aspect: my strengths all lie in the field of intellect. I have no relational skills whatsoever. None.
Yes, I know some of you are probably laughing hysterically right now. "She's finally got it!" you say. "It's about time!" Go ahead. Laugh if you wish. You reserve that right, since you all are correct. And have been for about a month.
*sigh* I'm a wimp when it comes to relationships. If the conversation I know I need to have with someone seems even the littlest bit awkward to me, I'll just as soon forego having it, and hope everything smoothes itself over.
Funny how that never works.
So I trundle (heehee, one of my vocab words this week) on through life, trying desperately to ignore what I need to face and deal with, and if I ever stopped and thought about it, I'd realize something: I'm a chicken. A big, fat, fried one.
*sigh* So in my infamous MO, I'm going to ignore this for a little while longer. Unless the other involved, innoccent party realizes my predicament and initiates conversation.
So instead, I'm going to use the cop-out version of "talking" and sorta type out some sort of rough draft, albeit ambigous, of what I might someday say.
My possible line: We need to talk.
possible reply: We do? Ok. About what?
My possible line:[raises joined hands] This.
possible reply: Oh.
My possible line: Yeah.
possible reply: [pause] Ok. Is it a bad thing?
My possible line: No.
yeah. That's about as far as I've made it in my cognitive planning, mostly because I'm too wimpy to think any further on it. *sigh* Well, for now, I'm just gonna let it rest. I know I should deal with it, but I just can't. *sigh* Lord, why didn't you just make me blunt in all areas of conversation? Consistency is so much easier, and less confusing, too. If you're still in the dark after that rant, go listen to the song. That's all I can say.
Adios Hasta Volviero.
Current Mood:  intimidated
Current Music: Things I'll Never Say-Avril Lavigne
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05:33 pm
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Gah! It followed me home!
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What is South Texas famous for?
Flooding.
So Friday at 7:30, as we're driving down Texas highway 19, it starts to rain.
It's still raining; apparently, the storm followed us home.
My roof is leaking, my yard is under water, my car can barely make it out the driveway without stalling. The streets are slick, the stupid city drivers haven't slowed down a bit, and my windshield wipers are screaming. 281 is closed, Olmos Dam is open, Medina lake's been evacuated, and my smelly dogs are in my laundry room.
*sigh* It had better stop raining long enough for us to get out of here and back to school. *glares menacingly* It will stop.
Well, back to emptying buckets. Pray this Dilluvian-like downpour stops before Tuesday morning. May my return be on time on Tuesday afternoon.
Adios Hasta Volviero....
Pray:
Safe travel for all the students coming and going from campus this week.
Lydia: Gah! There are times I wish she'd just break up with him!
Jamie: Get rest after stressful week with Will being in the hospital. Thank you, Lord, that he's out.
Current Mood:  ticked: stupid rain!
Current Music: again, it's still all at school!
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01:15 pm
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The Thoughts of a LeTourneau-an Returning to the Other Half of Home
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*sigh* At last, I am back in familiar territory. It was so strange, driving through south Austin last night, and then on through New Braunfels and San Marcos. It was like "wow, I actually know exactly where I am, and I'm almost to San Antonio." It was one of the weirdest sense of deja vu that I have ever felt.
We made pretty good time, actually. We left LeTU around 5:00pm, and managed to arrive at the rendesvous point just before 11:30. This with having stopped in Austin, mind you, to drop off Evan's brother's bike.
So after getting to cruise in my mother's brand new Toyota Camry (no guys, I didn't get to drive. In fact, I didn't even get to ride shotgun!) for about half an hour, we arrived at our house.
And boy was it strange, walking into a house that I vaguely remembered, but no longer truly recognized.
Perhaps I should explain, though. My house was originally a four-bedroom, two-bathroom, red brick house. When we bought it, the roof leaked, half the doors didn't close properly because of poor floor leveling, and the ones that did, got stuck from the rampant humidity San Antonio is known for. Over the years, though, we had remodeled it into a much more livable place.
However, up until I left for school, though, it was still a four-bedroom house, which for a family of eight, is fairly small. For this reason, my mother has been insisting upon moving for about six years now, to which my father has been stoutly disagreeing. To his credit, though, he does have many memories invested in the work he's done on this house. (I mean, come on, the tip of his left thumb is up in that new attic addition somewhere!) However, this house really had shrunk (or at least my family has grown) to an unbearable point. Therefore, this past spring, we began building onto the house, adding a large bedroom, another bathroom, a new sunroom/gym, and a butler's pantry. Now this endeavor was supposed to come to an end, either positively or negatively, around the month of July. (*glances around*) Well, judging by the piles of junk around me, I'd say that hasn't truly happened.
Truly , the addition itself has been finished since just after I left for school. What has yet to be completed is the remodeling that my father decided to begin at the same time as the addition finally ended.
It began with the windows. My mother has been begging to replace the windows in our family room since .... well, since we moved in fifteen years ago... and my father finally conceded. "As long as the house is already in disorder," he reasoned, "then why not just get to finishing those little things that have accumulated over the years?" Frankly, I know not why my mother agreed.
Well, the windows didn't fit the holes they needed to fit into (don't ask, I'm still in the dark as how that happened) and they were no-refund/ no-return, extremely expensive windows, and my mother was not about to give up her life-long dream of having proper paning. So what does she suggest? "Let's make the holes fit the windows!"
That would be why we ended up having to replace the carpet. Do you have any idea just how much of a mess red brick makes when it's pulverised by a rotary saw?
So I walked into the house last night, and imagine the sight that met my eyes: the walls have been repainted to cover the red-brick-dust stains, the once-mauve carpet has been ripped out and replaced by a warm oatmeal burbur, the tile that once covered the kitchen and dining room floor has been torn up and relaid, and lo and behold, there's another bathroom in this place! Add to that my discovery that my room is now my twin sisters', and has been completely refurnished, my old furniture having been donated to the local landfill. Now tack on the fact that I even have my own room (hey, it might be the closet-sized former nursery, but it is my own room!) and you have complete havoc where I left a peaceful (crowded too, but still) home!
So only minutes ago, as I was attempting to finish White , I suddenly began to slide down the end of my bed to the floor to check and see if anyone was on IM.
I stopped halfway down, laughing histerically.
My bed isn't high enough off the ground to warrant any sliding like it is at school, IM is completely outlawed here at home, and finally, my entire thought in getting on AIM was to see if anyone wanted to go do something! I swear, for a moment, I had forgotten I couldn't simply walk out the door and wave to Paige, or Rowe, or Rachel, or Geoff, or Josh, or Scott, or Conan, or any number of other people.
*sigh* Alas, I think that this switching back and forth between the two halves of home is going to take some more getting used to than I thought.
Adios hasta volviero.
Current Mood:  confused and disoriented
Current Music: alas, it's all at home (LeTU)
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06:47 pm
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Boredom: the absense of meaningful activity.
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I'm bored. How the heck does that work? This entire week it seems like I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to keep up with all of my assignments, and here I am, complaining that I'm bored.
Ok, so my boredom doesn't necessarily stem from a lack of homework. I don't have much this time, true, only finishing an English essay, but still. I could be starting my Psychology journal that's due a week from Tuesday, but alas, I am not in the mood.
*sigh* I wish I was going home today. Funny. I've been dreading my return home all week, but I'm actually looking forward to it now. *sigh* In fact, after hearing that about half of the people I knew were leaving today, I was really wishing that I was, too.
It's this funk I've been in since I woke up this morning. I seriously had to talk myself into even going to class today. I really didn't feel like waking up for Psychology, and I was bored throughout the entire thing. Then, no one was at the Hive when I went down for lunch!
History was the longest class I have ever sat through, too. I swear. It was so long, that I was trying to recall my IM conversations from last night, writing them down, and reading them over again, just to entertain myself. (*rolls eyes at self*)Yeah. So I was extremely bored.
Cornerstones was about the only fun thing that's happened all day! Which is really strange, 'cause it's usually the boring class. Today, though, it was fun, since we just had a party with no agenda. It was nice to get to talk for a while, without truly needing to think through an issue. Most of the time, I enjoy intellectual stimulation through in-depth discussion, but today I just enjoyed talking for the fun of it, no heated debates involved.
That and, oh yes, how could I have forgotten? It's been "Gotchya Week" this past week, and apparently, Bemky has been participating, for he brought his nerf gun to Cornerstones, and proceeded to shoot the rest of us innocent bystanders.
Well, Ok, so not innocent, maybe, just bystanders. *grin* Yeah. I don't think the gun stayed in Ben's hands for more than maybe ten minutes. *bigger grin* We ended up just randomly shooting each other. *laugh* Yeah. It was really fun. *frowns* Well, it was until a couple of people I had shot at got the gun and decided to retaliate at point-blank range. *muses* I hate it how that always seems to happen....
So that, at least, was fun. Or at least it was until everyone started leaving because they were headed home. *sigh* Courntey lives in Dallas, and she has no classes tomorrow, so went home tonight. Alissa only had a lab, and she'd done all the work already, so she went home. Whitney.... I don't know if Whitney's left yet. It would depend on who she was leaving with. Josh caught a flight back to Pennsylvania. Paige... Well, Paige is still here, but she's been in class, so I can't talk to her either. *sigh* Everyone's gone.
Actually, I did get to have a nice talk with Jordan. It was really fun. It turns out, despite how we may or may not be different, we have a lot in common. So that was fun, and I was successfully un-bored for about an hour. That and *laugh* I did talk on IM to Devin from over in Q2, and that was hilarious. He's so funny! Really. The guy just makes me crack up.
*sigh* I am, however, back to being bored again. I know I should do my homework, but I just don't feel like it.
Well, now that I've ranted sufficiently, I think I'll go do my homework *sigh* and then maybe walk around looking for something to do. *shrug* Hey, when you're bored, anything sounds fun.
Adios hasta volviero.
Current Mood:  bored
Current Music: Who Knows- Avril Lavigne
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08:10 pm
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A Song for My Thoughts Today
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Twenty-four oceans
Twenty-four skies
Twenty-four failures
And twenty-four tries
Twenty-four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
With twenty-four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You'
And I'm not who I thought I was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You'
There's twenty-four reasons
To admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses
Still twenty-four strong
See, I'm not copping out
Not copping out
Not copping out
When you're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh
I am the second man
Oh, oh
I am the second man now
Oh, I am the second man now
And you're raising these...
Twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
All of my symphonies
In twenty-four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true
I'm singing 'Spirit take me up in arms with You'
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh
I am the second man
Oh, oh
I am the second man now
Oh
I am the second man now
And you're raising the dead in me
Yeah
I wanna see miracles
To see the world change
Wrestled the angel for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing 'Spirit, take me up in arms with You'
And you're raising the dead in me
Twenty-four oceans
With twenty-four hearts
All of my symphonies
With twenty-four parts
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You'
I'm not copping out
Not copping out
~Switchfoot, "24"
Current Mood: Changeable
Current Music: This is Your Life-Switchfoot-The Beautiful Letdown
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12:40 am
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Green Pastures: Finding a Safe Place in the Middle of Mid-terms
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.The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell[1] in the house of the LORD
Forever.
~Psalm 23
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Today in Cornerstones we talked about Psalm 23, and the significance it had to each of us. One of the questions Dr. Coppinger asked was when was the last time we actually had a place when we were lying down in green pastures.
Good grief, talk about a tough question. Sure, I talk all the time about how God has challenged me in this area, and how I've grown so much in Him this week, and whatnot, but when was the last time I was comfortable enough just being with God to just rest in Him?
We say it is so difficult to change ourselves for God, and to a certain extent, that is true. But, somewhere, at some point, changing for God became my way of saying I was spending time with Him when I really was politely ignoring Him. How much of our lives are like that? How often do we do good things for the wrong reasons?
I struggle with many temptations, and I have a particularly nasty habit of just walking right into the sin I'm being tempted to. Sometimes, though, I make a valiant effort to change that, though, and sometimes, I even succeed.
Looking back on it, though, I realize that most of the time, though, my "changing" or "self-improvement" is just that: self-improvement. I use it as an escape from God rather than an escape to Him.
Plus, this week is mid-terms for most of my classes, and I've been really stressed out. I mean, I have papers and tests coming out my ears! I've done almost nothing but homework and studying, and what free time I've had, I haven't always been using well. I've had not time to myself! (Actually, that totally isn't true: we all have the same amount of time in every day; it's just how we use it) Of course, in my not having time, what do I cut from the schedule first? God time. Which, of course, makes the day turn out even worse in the long-run.
*sigh* I swear, sometimes the most basic concepts slip my mind.
So I'm making a new resolve today: from now on, not only am I striving to be more like Christ in His actions, but also in His in-actions. Christ knew he needed down-time with His Father. *sigh* Why I haven't figured that out yet, is beyond me. Someday, maybe I'll get this thing of being God's child down.
Well, once again, think about it. Pray about it. Then go live it.
Adios hasta volviero.
Current Mood:  quixotic
Current Music: The Valley Song- Jars of Clay
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01:04 am
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Loving My Brother: The Ultimate Do or Do Not
The Honors group had our Bible study tonight as always, and as usual, I was rather convicted by what we were reading, studying, and discussing.
We've been going through 1 John this year, and Wheeler taught tonight over chapter 2, verses 3-17, which as the rest of 1 John does, talks largely about loving your brothers.
I wish that either of the next two things were true: one, that this passage speaks of brothers in literal terminology. I love my little brother! We get along very well, actually. I've never had much trouble with this commandment in this sense. My second option could be that this love we are commanded to have for each other is society's twisted view of love as a fleeting feeling, which if I possessed not, would be of no fault of my own, and have no possible remedy available to me. Hey, I can't help it if I don't feel love for someone, right?
Alas, neither is true. In this passage, and yes, even throughout most of the New Testament, the term 'brother' is used to refer to any fellow Believer, male or female, blood related or not, and the term 'love' does not apply to an emotion at all.
I've been dealing with this issue quite a bit as of late. I find that as I come in to close contact with people, I sometimes encounter persons that I frankly cannot stand to be around. This dilemma is made worse by the fact that oftentimes I cannot place a distinction on exactly what bothers me about the person.
When I find myself irritated or occasionally even angered by someone, I frequently spend the next few days guilt-tripping myself into believing that I do indeed love that person, and that I just had experienced a bad day the last time I had this problem. Then, after I have a month or two of bad days, and am nearing the point of imploding, I finally give up on the grounds that I'm completely unable to ever be Christ-like in loving the unlovable.
But tonight I was struck by this fact: love is a choice, plain and simple. It is not a lofty, feel-good, smiling-all-the-time emotion, fleeting or otherwise. It's one of Yoda's "Do or do not; there is no try" issues. Granted, there may be a Believer that drives me out of my skin, but that does not mean I cannot love him or her. I can still choose whether or not I'm going to be forgiving, self-sacrificial, and compassionate towards that person. Does that mean I need to turn a blind eye to everything they do that bugs the crap out of me? No. Does it mean that I'm sinning by being irritated at the way they act sometimes? Much as it may sound somewhat controversial, no. Does this mean I need to like everyone around me? Heck no. Good grief, the world's full of jerks, including myself. If God had commanded us to like our brothers, we'd all be in a lot of trouble, because I doubt there is one human being in this universe that gets along perfectly with everyone around them. Rather, God commanded us to love, which is a completely different issue. To love is to serve, and hold higher than one's self. To love is to die, each and every day, when our jealousies and pains rise to the surface again. To love is to be like Christ.
Think about it. Pray about it. Then go live it. I'll be right there beside you.
Adios hasta volviero.
Current Mood: contemplative
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05:24 pm
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Happy Thoughts-Sarcasm for Sale
Happy day I had today!
Well, today's the first day going to English was actually a relief. No, Dr. Batts didn't miraculously get abducted by marshens or whisked off to FBI detention like some of us have anonymously hoped he would. Rather our happiness was in a mixture between relief and righteous anger at being told that no, there was no test today, despite the fact that we had been told there was. So, yes, while many of us were relieved that we could put off failing a test until Friday, even more of us were angry that we had stayed up a large portion of the night studying for a test we weren't taking. Then, when I checked Blackboard, I saw that I still have not gotten credit for some things I did, so my GPA for that class is still way down.
Beyond that, I realized when I got to Biblical Worldview, that I had screwed up on my test twice, and that I probably wasn't going to get a great grade on it. Then Dr. Woodring proceeded to tell us that we have another test next Friday! So now I have that to worry about, too!
Then, I'm happy, because I remember that today is the day that Whitney, Paige, and I have a girl-talk day, and I'm really jazzed about it, right? Well, Whitney couldn't find her keys so we couldn't go to lunch together at the Hive, and Paige was going to have a Slimfast instead, so we couldn't really go to SAGA, so we canceled our girl talk. The upside to that was that Rowe, Josh, Micky, Geoff and I did have a good time.
Then, I get to Spanish, find out we were supposed to have done an assignment that I didn't do, and furthermore, we got our tests back and I got a low B. *sigh* It was mostly for stupid mistakes. There was one section where I never understood the concept, and thus was BSing my way through the test over it, but other than that, it was all just misspelling errors that I shouldn't have gotten wrong. So, I'm like, let's see, 3 for 3 on classes, huh? So I think, heh, well, it can only get better away, right?
Note to self: never, ever, tell yourself you've hit the bottom. Trust me. The moment you speak the false phrase, something else happens to bring you further down.
This time it just happened to be finding out that I couldn't go the weekly Shadow Council meeting at Bodacious. (Why that bothered me so much, when last time I spent the next two days trying to recover from killer heartburn, I have no idea, but yeah) So, yeah.
Then, like the stupid person that I am, I decide to check my Psychology test grade on Blackboard. (I mean, come on, with the luck I've had today, I was asking for trouble) Yeah. You guys know already what's coming, don't you? Yeah.
Actually, I still don't know my grade for the Psych test. The scores are on hold for the moment. So that was a relief, yet a disappointment.
But, really, I had a wonderful day! And those of you who haven't figured out yet that the title really has something to do with the tone of the post, take another look. Sarcasm. Sarcasm. Sarcasm.
Actually, since around, oh, 3:00 pm today, I have had a good day. I found out that our little trio (Becky, Paige and I with Will accompanying on guitar) made it into the talent show, and thus earned $50 to split, which will pay for my Fall Fest ticket with 50 cents to spare. Furthermore, while I can't go to Bodacious, I can go to Carino's for our floor party. Thirdly, while I was upset this morning like most of the rest of my class about the mis-or rather, non-communication about the ficticious test, I am glad that we do get a study sheet on Blackboard so we at least know what to study. Furthermore, a bunch of my friends are going to Fall Fest as a group, so not only did I have a good excuse to give the unwanted suitor that approached me today, but it'll also make going twice as much fun. Furthermore, Paji and I decided that we're going to have a dress-up party when we get our dresses on Friday (partly out of fun, mostly out of necessity since we probably need to alter our dresses) which'll be fun. (Go ahead, guys, laugh all you want, we girls get a blast out of these kind of things) Lastly, I got to have a really good conversation with two of my sisters, including my older sister who hasn't had time to do much since her baby boy was born. Finally, I don't have any homework due tomorrow, so I can actually go to sleep at a decent hour tonight. (That is, if I don't just stay up anyway talking on IM, which really ought to be named Students'-Bane, by the way) Anyway, I'm off to dinner, then Chapel tonight.
Adios Hasta Volviero.
Current Mood: irritated at first, but then happy
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07:42 pm
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Sados Revisited
Ok, so after we went over the papers we didn't have to turn in yesterday, I decided to re-write my entry for yesterday so that it included more of the elements that our English professor wanted. *shrugs* Y'all probably don't really want to read it, but I figured I'd post it anyway.
Varsity USA
“Run, ‘Mana, run!” I laughed, watching Laura tear down the newly-mowed field with the football.
“Hey.” Jared exclaimed, stopping to tower over me, nearly gasping for breath. “You’re supposed to be cheering for us. We’re on your team.”
I just grinned. “I know, but I hate to see anyone catch Laura.”
Jared just sighed and shook his dark-haired head in disgust.
As I watched my other friends continue their futile chase of the ball, shielding my eyes from the bright sun, I was stuck by how much the scene reminded me of a similar one from a couple of years before.
“Go, Jessica!” In my mind, I could hear Alisha and Sam screaming beside me, their voices reverberating in the clamoring gym as our teammate passed the sideline where we sat, her dark Italian curls bouncing as she raced around the circle. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Mike counting laps for her while my older sister, Jamie, shouted encouragement to her.
Jessica rounded the final lap and slapped the baton into Matt’s hand, completing the second leg of the relay.
Matt took off immediately, his long legs eating up ground in between him and the next runner. Matt’s height of 6’5” had always given our team advantages, but it was at times like those that it really shows.
When Matt reached the lap’s halfway point, he had already passed one runner and gained considerable ground on the runner in first.
I could see Laura bouncing up and down in her lane waiting for Matt to come around so she could begin her run.
Thwap! Thwap! The batons made loud noises as they were handed off almost simultaneously.
A glance to my right, showed my brother-in-law, John, with his eyes focused intently on Laura as she ran, his lips moving silently in what could have been either a prayer or muttered words of coaching.
I was nearly unable to watch as the two girls approached the final straight away, their strides in near-perfect tandem. Everyone around me was screaming, and I am sure that I joined in.
Just when it seemed that the judges would have to award a tie, Laura broke away from the other girl, lengthening her stride and speeding up significantly, her blonde ponytail flying.
I do not remember just how much we won by, but considering the fact that we were the least-favored team coming into this competition, that hardly matters. We had won, and that was enough to send us into hysterics. Suddenly, it looked like we, the Lonestar Team, might actually have a shot at gold here at this Varsity 2003 Games.*
Varsity USA is an AWANA function, for which high-school-aged teens from across America, and even around the world, come together to compete in both athletics and the AWANA signature Bible Quiz. Each year, my sister and her husband, John and Jamie Byerly, take a team comprised of AWANA teens from around south Texas, and this particular year, I went with them.
That fact, though, was really a clear act of God, for I should not have been able to go. I had no money, and I had not gotten my application for the team in on time. I had long given up any hope of going that year, and had made up my mind to focus on next year when my sister called the night before the first practice and said they needed another girl on the team, and even told my mom that she and John could chip in for my fees.
I was glad then to be a part of the team, but I had no idea just how much those other kids would come to mean to me in those four days.
So there we were that Saturday afternoon in the hot, stuffy gym at Creighton University in Omaha, Nebraska, fighting together as more than just a team. It felt almost like we had lived our entire lives together as a fifteen-member family, and in that moment, the idea of returning to a different reality was nearly unfathomable.
Needless to say, we did return only a week later, but we were never the same. That same year, two of our teammates faced unimaginable struggles as Melissa was diagnosed with cancer, and Stacey suffered temporary paralysis in a near-fatal car accident. In the times following those four days in Omaha, such as these, we thirteen kids have grown closer to each other and John and Jamie in ways I never would have thought possible for people who live sometimes 300 miles apart. We may only see each other once a year or less, but when we do, it’s like we were never really apart.
Almost three years later, we still keep in close contact through frequent e-mails, phone calls, or as in this case, the occasional “family reunion” at John and Jamie’s house. Few of our parents understand our closeness, and to be perfectly honest, I am not sure any of us could really explain it if we tried. What I do know is this: those four days and the years afterward have made us a family, and nothing is going to change that.
Ok. Now that I've wasted time being a perfectionist, I'll try to get a real journal entry up later.
Adios Hasta Volviero.
Current Mood: happy
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10:46 pm
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Sados
I’m really not supposed to be here.
I gazed at the other people around me as we said our somewhat-tearful goodbye’s as we got off the plane in San Antonio, wondering how the last few days had both gone by so quickly, and yet had seemed to last an eternity. It seemed like only a few hours ago that we had entered this same airport, waiting for another American Airlines flight to depart for Varsity USA in Omaha, Nebraska.
Varsity USA is an AWANA function, for which high-school-aged teens from across America, and even around the world, come together to compete in both athletics and the AWANA signature Bible Quiz. Each year, my sister and her husband, John and Jamie Byerly, take a team comprised of AWANA teens from around south Texas, and this particular year, I went with them.
That fact, though, was really a clear act of God, for I should not have been able to go. I had no money, and I had not gotten my application for the team in on time. I had long given up any hope of going that year, and had made up my mind to focus on next year when my sister called the night before the first practice and said they needed another girl on the team, and even told my mom that she and John could chip in for my fees.
I was glad then to be a part of the team, but I had no idea just how much those other kids would come to mean to me in those four days.
So there we stood that rainy Sunday evening, in between the two worlds we lived in. Jared was joking around as he always did, making Nick, Jessica, Alisha, and Stacey laugh. Laura, Sam, Melissa and I had our arms wrapped around each other. Matt, Chris, Mike, and Aaron were discussing yet another movie. We were each in our own way denying that our trip had come to an end at last. We had spent the last few days together fighting as if for our lives in the games, and laughing and crying in our nervousness during Bible Quiz. It felt almost like we had lived our entire lives together as a fifteen-member family, and the idea of returning to reality and to our real families, was nearly unfathomable.
Needless to say, we did return, but we were never the same. That same year, two of our teammates faced unimaginable struggles as Melissa was diagnosed with cancer, and Stacey suffered temporary paralysis in a near-fatal car accident. In the times following those four days in Omaha, such as these, we thirteen kids have grown closer to each other and John and Jamie in ways I never would have thought possible for people who live sometimes 300 miles apart. We may only see each other once a year or less, but when we do, it’s like we were never really apart.
Almost three years later, we still keep in close contact through frequent e-mails, phone calls, and long letters. Few of our parents understand our closeness, and to be perfectly honest, I am not sure any of us could really explain it if we tried. What I do know is this: those four days and the years afterward have made us a family, and nothing is going to change that.
Sados: Sados means family; family means we're a team, and being a team means we're in this together. All of us, in all of it.
Current Mood: happy
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02:49 pm
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Thoughts of a Smiling 18-year-old Girl
Wow.
I'm staring at my hand in front of my face, trying to discern if it is real. I cannot believe that it is; for if it is, then, my dream last night was not, and if my dream last night was not truly reality, then last night before I got into bed was.
The smile is back, and I think it's here to stay. Trust me on this one. I tried to chase it away last night, and all attempts failed miserably.
Cassaundra, Sarah, and Sam are all laughing at me. Katie and Meagan are not; they understand.
I talked to Laura last night, and she seemed so at peace, even with Jordan still thousands of miles away, still being unable to talk to him for five more weeks. I envy her that.
I find it amazing what a little smile can do to me. I've never really felt so.... twisted... in all my life. It feels kind of like I'm cold and warm at the same time, and it's making me shiver.
I am trying so hard not to let this become the defining point of my life, and you know what's funny? I find it easier to follow through on that if I'm having a good day, and I find I have much better days if I can make my outlook good to begin with. It's the vicious little cycle of sorts, but it's one I can beat. If I wake up and focus my attention on the Lord to begin with, the other things that sometimes worry me all just seem to kind of fall into place. I know that probably seems like a basic concept to all of you, but I'm finding so much wonder in just trying to comprehend it.
And God is so good. Again, basic concept, right? But have you ever stopped to contemplate- and I mean really think about, long and hard- just how much God is good to you?
Think about it. Pray about it. Then go live it.
Adios Hasta Voviero.
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Fall to Pieces-Avril Lavigne
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07:50 pm
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Not Cloud Nine, but...
Well, I've gone from Cloud Nine to rock bottom and back again, all in less than a week. Or even a weekend really. Well, no, it was closer to a week. Whatever. Basically, these last few days have been so emotionally draining that by Sunday, I was just so ready to throw in the towel and give up. Relationships are my downfall for sure.
So on Sunday, after Church, Whitney, Paige and I decided that we were all about to have a meltdown and that we needed some serious down time, and that we weren't going to even think about guys for that day. So after lunch, Paige and I went back up to my room, where she went to sleep, and I got out my discman for the first time since I've gotten here, and turned on Josh Groban and went to sleep on my bean-bag chair. I woke up only two hours later, but I felt so much better. Suddenly, all the stress that had just piled up on top of me was gone. I felt happy again. Granted, it wasn't the euphoric high I'd been on a few days before, but it was almost better. It was more of a grounded kind of happy. It was nice.
That evening, we went to the library to work on Biblical Worldview as a group, and almost everyone came. It was so cool. I walked in just a minute late, and the whole group was there already, working hard. So I sat down, and a few of said hi, and he just looked up and smiled. There was absolutely no way I couldn't smille back, no matter what promise I'd made. Forget it. It was a nice ideal, but beyond theory, it's hopeless.
So my new goal isn't to not think about guys at all, but just to not let thinking about them be the focal point of my life. So far it hasn't become that.
They say I'm obvious; they say he's oblivious. How the heck can those two statement exist in the same parallel?
I'm just not sure. Oh well. I'm debating on maybe remedying the "oblivious" part tonight. Well, probably not, considering how self-conscious I always am. Plus, what if it just gets weird? *sigh* I hate guys. No, ex that, I just hate trying to figure them out. It's just too hard.
Well, I need to stop making them the focus, especially since tomorrow's Wednesday, which is the day Whit, Paige, and I set aside to meet for lunch or ice cream and keep each other accountable about making sure our focus was right. Well, tomorrow it sounds like we're heading for TCBY after lunch at SAGA.
Anyway, this week has actually been great. I just needed to pull away, regroup, and regain my perspective. Funny how just a half-hour date with God will do that.
Well, so will routinely getting a decent amount of sleep, but that's hard to come by these days.
Off to make sure my focus is right.
Adios hasta volviero.
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Fall to Pieces-Avril Lavigne
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06:09 pm
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Hell's Daughter
It's times like these that I am reminded of my sin nature.
It's times like these that I don't give a darn.
I am extremely angry at the moment, and to be perfectly honest, I do not quite understand why.
Ok, so that's a lie. I do understand why. At the same time, though, I can feel nothing but this strange mixture of sorrow and the occasional irrational grin.
I am angry because a friend of mine was hurt. I feel sorrow because I am helpless to stop it in anyway. I smile, because I occasionally forget how I'm feeling, and my thoughts return to their place of the past few days.
I am angry with myself. How can I be happy right now? It feels so wrong!
Guys are stupid. Very stupid.
Yet the thought of a specific one turns my mind spinning uncontrollably.
I am so confused.
Why can't they all either be stupid or all be good? It would be so much easier.
(*sigh*) I doubt I'll be figuring any of these things out tonight. Oh well.
Well, I think I'm going to temporarily suspend my male-hating to go to the Honors Bible study tonight at 10:30, for reasons obvious to me.
Well. I'm off. Maybe I'll figure out how I feel later.
Adios hasta volviero.
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Together-Avril Lavigne & Mobile-Avril Lavigne
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